Rantings of some jerk with a drinking problem.

Writer's Block: What is your name?

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 23:37:18 GMT

If you were to have another name, what would it be?

Rex Hardpunch

Writer's Block: Quarantine Etiquette

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 18:07:36 GMT

Personally I like to go to work and breathe on people. If I'm gonna be sick, I'm making everybody else miserable too.

I work in a popular bar in London; every epidemic that has happened over the last four years has been caused by me personally.

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 05:52:15 GMT

My heartbeat was beatin all kinds of crazy.

But then the hot girl from the ring tried to open a bodybag.

I really did try to pause it.

But then it all goes to hell.

(brackets. While the movie is paused I let if go through my livejournal.

I wish I could honestly show you guys I'm watchin this...

dot dot dot

in the dark.

London vs. Liverpool

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 20:48:29 GMT

Trying to figure out where I'm going to live after I get evicted, whether I attempt to stick it out in London or whether I decide to take a step backwards and move back to Liverpool. It's a tough decision to make, the short answer is, I want my independance. But it's becoming more and more evident that I can't get that in London.

My wages are not exactly low on paper, but for where I am, I simply cannot afford it. I'm living beyond my means and all I'm doing is paying for rent. However, it's a job - something I don't have in Liverpool, however there are local papers in Liverpool that I could maybe apply to. I mean a creative writing degree from a London university that included a crash course in copy editing? They'd love it.

Most people down south know that my uni is shit so they won't bother with me, but I know that scousers are like the stereotypical Americans, they never look outside their own little corner of the world.

However, I remember thinking how my degree could work for me in London and getting burned. (I've only made it to three interviews, of those, only one actually got back to me - with a rejection) So it's a gamble, and as I've said, I'm not in the mood for gambling with my life again.

Although (a lot of these paragraphs will start with although and however, get used to it, it's a train of thought) I do get a lot of writing done in Liverpool. True a lot of that could be because I'm on holiday and I'm not working or anything, but since I'm resolving not to take another pub position, I don't think I'll be working 48-52 hours per week.

But I'll be leaving a lot of friends behind in London. I never get to see them, sure, but I know that they're always (theoretically up the road).

I still have friends in Liverpool, though, as evidenced by the fact that I saw some of them on Wednesday. Plus I have the advantage, forgive me if this sounds big headed, that people tend to like me. Who's to say I won't meet people through a new job?

Speaking of meeting people - we come to the big crunch, or at least for me; the ladies. Can I start by saying that in my experience, there are more gold diggers per person in London that there are in Liverpool. The goth movement is coming back to Liverpool in a big way, and I love goth girls, as we all know. Not to mention that Liverpool has the Krazy House, the best alternative music club I have ever been to. Nothing in London compares, and if it does, it's too expensive for the likes of me anyway.

Nights out - I saw a notice board today on the side of a high street pub, £1.90 for various drinks all day every day. This wasn't a chain pub or anything either. In London a high street pub can openly charge £3.90 a pint and get away with it, and you're essentially getting the same thing. Hell, a pint of decent ale in the swan comes to less than £2 - even in the pub I work at it's £2.10 and that's cheap by southern standards.

Then there's rent, in London I'm paying through the nose but in Liverpool I can stay rent free in my parents place. My room here is bigger than my room in London, and my family is here, my room in London is next door to the room of a dole claiming, mess making note writer who somehow earns more than me.

(While we're on the subject, if someone leaves a note for you expressing distaste for something that you may or may not have done - you should be legally required to shit in their mouths while they're asleep. Trust me it's LESS disgusting.)

I know it sounds like I've already made my decision to move back to Liverpool. But there's still one important factor to consider.

In London I may be struggling to get by but I have my independance and pride because, damnit, I'm out there trying to live life by my own means. Moving back to Liverpool would seriously damage my self respect, I'd feel like I've failed.

It'd be easier to move back to Liverpool, no question, but I'm not convinced that it'd be the right thing to do.

Other things that are pissing me off...

I think I made the mistake of moving down to London with nothing in my bank account, which as I said in my last entry was because of M. I thought I'd make a sacrifice for somebody, I actually made a hell of a lot of sacrifices for that girl come to think of it and I feel like ranting about it. Because while it might not be her fault that I'm in this awful financial position, it was her guitar that I was moving back to take care of.

Let's not forget the going vegetarian for three months for her, the taking her in when she had no where else to go, the sticking up for her when some creepy merchant banker started hitting on her, the giving her my jacket when she was crying her eyes out outside in the cold and staying with her the whole night waiting for her self centered ex-boyfriend to come out of a club, buying her cigarettes, holding her hair while she vomitted, spending money on a present for her from America.

What did she do for me? Stayed with me for two days, drank my booze, ate my food, used my shower and after going back to France decides that she hates me. And everybody she knows takes her side, mostly because they're trying to get with her too and with me out the picture it'd be so much easier.

Yeah, I'm feeling so much anger that I'm finding it hard to direct it at any one target, it keeps spilling over into something else.

Gamefaqs - that's shit. I mean, good resource for things like Hitman and Final Fantasy, games with obscure as hell sections that are impossible to find without help. But for stuff like Baldur's Gate 2? Mostly their advice for getting past a boss is just 'kill the boss, go into the next area, kill that boss then there's an NPC in the next room which tells you this.' Which... well it isn't much help. True you can play as any character type that you wish, but the way the game is designed, it kinda demands that you have one of every character class in your party anyway. Advice can often be universal like what spells to memorise etc.

Primark - how do you justify charging people for trousers that burst apart in the first week? True they may be cheap, but no price is low enough for the shite these guys sell.

Also, exploiting third world labour? Not cool. Not even in my book and I'm all for shitting in the mouths of people who write notes.

The US election - Anyone who votes for McCain should be avoided, just because the ancient son of a bitch spent five years in a POW camp, that doesn't mean he's qualified to become a world leader. His vice president is a fucking nut job. Obama is no saint, but jesus pissing christ, the lesser of two evils.

Suffice it to say the people who vote republican should be ashamed of themselves, like the people who voted for Boris Johnson.

Boris Johnson - I registered to vote in London exclusively to keep this foppish twit out of power, that's how much I didn't want him in office. But as always, the stupid people have the loudest voices in this country.

Katie Price - how does she have the best selling book in the country right now? After finding this out, I believe it is my God given right to be a published author. We must be suffering a severe literary drought in this country - it seems as though I'm the only one who can bring the rain.

Because I refuse to believe that a book written by a publicity hunting chav can be what people in this country want to read.

But then a lot of people in this country buy the Sun newspaper and vote people like Boris Johnson to be mayor of London.

Overtype - who the fuck uses overtype? Why is it still a feature on modern computers? Why is it so easy to push the button to engage overtype but so difficult to find the way to disable it? I hate getting onto a really good roll with my writing and suddenly having to spend half an hour pressing every button and combination of buttons just to be able to carry on. Why the hell does this assinine feature still exist?

Assinine is my favourite word of the moment, even though I don't think I can spell it. It's sweet. Using that word is immensely satisfying.

Ranting is always good.

Now I have to sort out what to do with my life.

New Years Revolution

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 20:22:01 GMT

Here is a list of things I want to accomplish in 2008;

* Publish the first Gallaetha novel at last.

* Write the second Gallaetha novel.

* Sure, what the hell - might as well write the third one while I'm at it.

* Write that damn screenplay that I've been tooling with.

* Finish the TV series pilot I started last summer.

* Punch out a great white shark.

* Join the YMCA gym that's five minutes from my flat, I might need to sell a kidney to afford the membership fee though - which defeats the point somewhat.

* Travel somewhere outside of the country.

* Defeat Matt Groening in a twelve step foot race.

* Invent cure for kicks in the crotch.

A vaguely politcal rant - which robbed me of forty five minutes

Fri, 11 May 2007 00:35:15 GMT

Usually I'll watch the news when I'm at home, the only time I actually ever find out what's going on in the world(as well as finding out what's going on in the world of web comics, SA and Homestar). Call me politically apathetic if you must. It's not that I don't care what goes on in the rest of the world, it's just that it's so depressing I don't really want to hear five hundred different takes on how I'm going to get kidnapped, murdered, raped (in that order) set on fire, mugged and if I'm very lucky - bombed by terrorists/my own country.

But still, watching the news the other day, I can't help but find something that stirs a shred of passion inside me. Another dude has been taken prisoner in Iraq, I think he's a reporter or something I dunno. It's a damn shame really. How does taking a random, non-political prisoner help any kind of cause?

Then that got me thinking - how does bombing busses, trains and plotting attacks in night clubs actually help? I can't really imagine the mentality. Sure, the UK and the US might dominate the oil trade and sure, they've pushed about the countries in the middle east. That can't be pleasant for the average citizen of those countries. I can understand (sorta) wanting to retaliate for that kind've stuff.

But attacking average citizens who have little to no say in how the government works? Who benefits from that? It's an eye for an eye, sure. But who was it that said 'if everyone started taking an eye for an eye, the whole world would be blind?'

It might've been Confucius, or possibly Quagmire.

I read somewhere that part of the reason these people commit these murders is to 'raise awareness' to their cause, like it's some kind've glorious star studded fund raiser. With explosions. I think it was a police transcript of some people plotting an attack on a nightclub. One of these guys was talking about, and I paraphrase here 'taking out somewhere big, with lot's of people, so the world pays attention,' or something to that effect.

So what these particular guys (notice how must terrorists are guys? I don't see women everywhere claiming that female terrorists are underpaid) are saying is that it's worth sacrificing hundreds of innocent (and I use the term quite loosely, it's a nightclub you understand...) lives so the worlds news talks about them for a bit?

Now, I'm not a politics expert. In fact, the very idea about writing something about real world politics makes me feel weird. Kind've like I'm wearing someone elses shoes. But surely blowing people up so that people will pay attention to you is in fact WORSE than blowing people up for oil?

To clarify, both are wrong. But only one of those things has a concrete goal in mind.

Just sayin' is all.

Now, I have a real cool solution to this whole Iraq silliness. We do this.

1. Withdraw all our troops in the middle east. Every single one. Just be all "We give up, you've won? See if we care. We're going back home to I dunno - live?"

Think about it. Adopt a 'we don't care anymore' policy - and just see the reaction. This sort've leaves this guys with nothing much to fight us for anymore and maybe we can try to resolve this whole thing in peace?

Of course I don't claim to know anything about the situation, there's probably millions of factors that I haven't considered, and don't want to consider. But then isn't that the way with everything?

You never know what's going to happen in any area of life. But isn't it for the best when we at least try to do the right thing? It makes it so much easier to blame everyone else when it goes wrong.

I for one, can get behind a motto like that.

Right. Now it's sammich time.

Stealing the internet, one page at a time

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 03:36:38 GMT

It seems as though everyone in the world is perfectly sane, normal, friendly and awesome in their own way. However pretty much everybody goes through that one event - just one simple event, that completely fucks them up completely, rendering them anti-social, ignorant and abusive.

And it's absolutely amazing how we can all just ignore other peoples problems, focussing on the little world buzzing around in our own heads. We own the monopoly on pain, on suffering and to hell with everyone else.

How stupid we must all look compared to people with real problems, with real issues. The truly insane, the homeless, the hungry, the lonely, the opressed and the dead.

Ah well, if we can't look further than the length of our own noses, and if we can't see that the reason we're unhappy is because we did something horrible to someone once. If we can't see that the object of our happiness is so easily attainable by nothing more than a simple apology - then we deserve all the misery we inflict upon ourselves.

Or the misery I inflict on you when I make out with an ex-girlfriend in front of you. Though what started out as a caculated revenge plot turned into more, and I was actually happy, not because I'd made her miserable, but because I was just happy.

Lasted about a week. But hey, I gained a friend out of it - though it is another friend I'm powerfully attracted to with another 31 year old boyfriend.

Where do these guys come from? I mean seriously, do they just hang outside of university bars like a sixty year old in a mac outside the school gates, preying on anyone who looks young enough?

It means... sort of like Iron... doesn't it?

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 01:06:42 GMT

Of course, with all the ranting I do about how annoying it is to have all these MSN conversations bugging me it was only a matter of time before they all vanish on the day when I actually need someone to talk to.

Like the good advice you didn't take... something about spoons... only being able to find... a plane crash? Those are the lyrics right?

Makes you think...

... oh the irony!

Capitalism rant

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 02:33:07 GMT

Can someone please explain to me exactly what powers and benefits I have as a white man? Because honestly I'd love to know. It seems everyone is assuming that white men have some supreme power over the rest of the world due to their skin colour and gender.

Yes; ok I'll agree to a point. Yes, there are certain white boy groups who meet up to be racist and sexist around other white men without fear of being challenged. But I make it a point to avoid these type of people and discussions, if somebody says something sexist or racist I'll usually try to challenge it to a point.

Like the other day when I was playing poker one of the guys starts joking about how it's ok to punch a woman out so you can rape her. He seemed to think this was the funniest thing since Family Guy and nearly broke his arm patting himself on the back. Fortunately for him, he had plenty of other meat headed chaps to do that for him.

I questioned it, told him that it simply wasn't funny and was a tad disrespectful (Jules spent a year living with an abusive guy who beat her regularly, so this is a sore spot for me). Yeah I was accused of being a downer, yeah I was looked at funny for the rest of the evening.

But this proves that I'm not the sort of guy who gets off disrespecting women. Hell, some of my more liberal friends accuse me of hating men and always siding with women.

Yes; ok I'll grant that white men control the business and political world. But do I look like a businessman or politician?

This proves that I don't control the world financially or politically. Ok, I'm not exactly homeless or wanting for money. I have a job and am fortunate enough to come from a middle class ish background. But let's face it - there're a lot of people in that position, both male and female. It may be more likely for a man to be in a fortunate financial position than a woman, but let's face it, I know more than a few women who could buy and sell me. Seriously.

Yes; I'll grant that a white male is more likely to get a job than anyone else. But from personal experience, I had to LIE to get my current job because finding employment was so hard. Ok, I'll grant that when I graduate maybe I could have an advantage. That I don't have a sassy answer for; it's an injustice in our society that a white man is more likely to get a job at the proffesional level.

But has anyone else noticed that our society shovels shit on everybody? You can be black, white, male, female, staight, gay, asian, oriental, martian, a Justin or even a Myros Peterson. But the one thing we all have in common is that we're all getting fucked by a cash-centric system which doesn't care about any of us. Except maybe for the Justin's of the world, who lord over their piles of money and girlfriends a decade younger. Or perhaps the Myros Peterson's of the world...

... ahem...

Cop: Better do what he says, he's a do-gooder who's suspiciously up at 3am who lives next to an alcoholic slut who hates people. After all - we'd never want anyone to think we were doing our fucking jobs.

Ahem, sorry.

But it's true, everybody is getting fucked unless you're a millionaire captain of industry. I don't see why we box ourselves off into labels, then squabble with eachother. Don't people see that's exactly what they want?

They want feminists to hate men. They want white supremacists to hate blacks. They want asians to hate whites. They want the east to hate the west. Because they profit from it all.

Whether it's selling products to people with female centered, anti male advertising (please don't take that as a generalisation - there are anti women, male centered adverts too). Or oppressing the middle east until they lash out against the west and ignite a war. It all goes back into the capitalist money pit somehow.

Our enemy is not within.

When we're divided we can be controlled, together, as one people, as humans - we stand some chance of fighting back and getting some justice back in this society which profits from our misery.

I don't think on a global scale very often. Normally I focus on my own personal microcosm of existance - which is why I get pissed off when people quote facts and figures to me, because I can always counter with, 'ell that never happened to me so it's bullshit'- it may have happened to millions of people all over the world, but I've never seen it. It may was well have happened on another planet as far as I'm concerned.

I realise that this way of thinking is wrong and I'm trying to correct it, but of course I'm not smart enough to debate with the big guns without my precious 'i've never seen that' defense.

But by the same token- I wish people would meet me half way. If I can try to think more globally, maybe you can start to think more individualistically - that way it won't seem like we're just yelling at eachother in two seperate languages.

Whatever - this is just what I believe, and as we've already seen, most people are too busy pushing their own personal agenda to see that we're all on the same side here.

I'm sick and tired of having my voice ignored because I have a penis and white skin.

Everyone should be sick and tired of having their voice ignored in general.

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 16:20:02 GMT

I love her and miss her every minute of every day.

.............

That's really all that's happening in my life right now.

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 22:35:43 GMT

Just reading my last entry and I realised something; is there such a thing as good nightmare?

Man, I sure do suck.

I want my pyramid schemes back!

Sun, 02 Jul 2006 22:44:17 GMT

Well the girl I love is pregnant with another guys baby. A guy who's twelve years older, recently divorced and dashingly handsome.

The way I see it - it's a picturebook romance right? Jules always wanted kids, so she gets a kid. This guy always wanted a girlfriend twelve years younger than him so he gets that. Me? Well I'm just not important enough to ever get what I want.

I get porn though, a whole internet of delicions, delicious porn.

Suffering from writers block, well, since yesterday. This whole situation is just a bit too much for me to take and it's really playing on my mind.

It hurts so much. I don't think I've ever known a pain quite like it. Either physical or emotional - nothing I've been through is as bad as this.

I just want it go away.

Oh if I were a rich man

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 01:04:47 GMT

Why do old, rich, married guys with kids insist on sabotaging every relationship I ever get into? Can't they stay to their own goddamn wives?

Why have certain women got so little respect for themselves that they jump from penis to penis, hurting everyone with a heart that they hump on?

This is living proof that family life, having children and a family is all bullshit. It only leads to you feeling unfulfilled, and you just sniff around younger girls to lure them into your fucking web.

From now on all I'm gonna do is just focus on earning money, it's the only constant in the world and the next anyway. I bet a rich man could just buy his way into heaven - God, if it exists obviously loves the rich more anyway.

Hell, a rich man is God - and I'm gonna sell out. I am now for sale.

Gallaetha is gonna be passed to every mainstream publisher, I'm doing a movie if it comes, but only with a huge Hollywood production company and only for a fee bigger than anything the actors might make.

In the meantime I'm gonna do everything I can to become rich, I'm gonna look into anything that pays lucratively for a mininum of work.

I just wanna sink into the arms of a beautiful woman and forget that the world even exists.

Riddle me this!

Sun, 11 Jun 2006 23:19:43 GMT

Ok, so I'm back in Liverpool, eating way too much food, not drinking and annoying my parents everytime my phone goes off by emitting a loud 'awww,' when a text comes through from my wonderful new, romantic, video game loving girlfriend.

Typical, I meet a really sweet girl, and have to leave two weeks later :(

Ah well, she met my folks when they came to pick me up from university yesterday and they approve, so she may well be coming for a visit soon. I'll get to show her the sights of Scousetown, all the while attempting to impress her, either by bench pressing a lot or drinking.

But we're currently bandying sweet messages back and forth between eachother, the things she's said have actually managed to pierce this stony heart of mine and make me feel emotions which aren't depression, sadness and anger. I didn't even know that these feelings even existed.

Plus she's Irish, and has the sexiest accent evor.

But yeah, life is good, and has been good for a while now. Cept for my laptop being broken. Yeah, that ain't much fun. But I've had Resident Evil 4, and a super cool girlfriend to keep me sane.

Sanity cannot be achieved by playing an addictive video game which is beaten entirely by running away, throwing grenades and screaming a lot.

But I've been enjoying the summer too, had a BBQ on Thursday cooked by a GENUINE New Zealandian and I've been trying to move the activities I usually do inside to outside, so I can boil the flesh from my bones while I do it. I'm not sunburned yet, but gimme about a week.

Things what are hopefully happening during the Summer;

* Getting a job

* Not getting a job, but becoming independantly wealthy

* Being visited by or visiting my girlfriend

* Finishing this novel of mine

* Smokey Days

* Compose more poetry

* Take up yoga, and start swimming regularly again

* Eat lots of healthy food now I'm home

* A visitation from Gav, Laura and maybe Santa

* Another TBBBQ

* Finally watch Advent Children in English

* Watch the World Cup (duh)

Yeah, we'll see how much of that I can actually get done.

I swear with Suzie gone I've officially taken over her position as the list maker. Nothing can be done if it isn't on the list first! If you happen to fall off a cliff and are dangling by one arm, your hands slipping away from the crumbling rock, and 'saving your life' isn't on my list I'm gonna watch you fall, then fall to my knee's and cry - if that's on the list too.

Nicked from Suzie!

Wed, 10 May 2006 12:02:34 GMT

1. I'll respond with something random I like about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll name something we should do together.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or just me).
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll leave you a quote that is somehow appropriate to you.
or, I will include an icon just for YOU in my reply)
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal so you can do the same for other people.

Workin' hard on my coursework, another thing I'll steal from Suzie is this, current status, list thing. I don't have as much to do as her and I have longer to do it in. But she gets to go to America when she finishes, I just get to... stay in England this summer. Yeah.

1. Poetry Portfolio 99% (I'm debating which of my 12 poems to use as the final one).
2. Poetry Commentary 50%
3. Analysis of Poems -10% (I need to find out exactly what I'm supposed to do, it's supposed to be 1,000 words - but we have to squeeze 16 poetry analysis into it somehow, which seems like a typo in the module guide if you ask me.)
4. Story -10% (No idea what I'll write about yet)
5. Commentary on story 0%

Not much left to do now...

... I had a weird dream about Jade last night which put everything into perspective, even though I haven't spoken to her in a while and am still a bit sore after what happened a few weeks back. But, y'know... I forgive her, kinda because of this dream - and also cuz it's kinda stupid to be annoyed at her for something so petty, I guess my other problems kinda made it worse than it actually was.

Money...

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 11:14:34 GMT

... sigh...

I just spent £50 today on a gas bill of all things, come Friday (when I get my next pay cheque) I have to spent another £90 for water. Yeah, this stuff needs to get paid. Somehow from my meagre wages I have to pay my extortionate rent (£330) and somehow get to Royston with enough money to spend on the wedding.

I'm totally unaware of how I'm gonna pull this one out've the bag without the help of elfin magic, or selling my own kidneys. Fortunately I have food enough to last me until this Friday. Still... how the hell am I gonna get down to Royston?

I figure that next week I'll end up with about £150 in wages, enough to drop on the bill leaving me with about £60. I just gotta hopefully make that last.

The other day I went through all my old lj entries out of boredom. By God I was a cock last Summer. But who can blame me? I certainly don't blame myself, because I mean ah... let's see you do better in the same situation you big jerkface.

I also spelled 'Bukowski' wrong... which is really just inexcusable.

Well Gav's gone back home for Easter, that leaves me with about a week to spend on my own. Which'll suck, at least I'll be working for most of it. I mean I'm working from 6 til close on Wednesday and Friday, 12 til close on Saturday and 3 til close on Sunday. I'm gonna be busy, and come the Friday afterwards, cha-ching!

It's a shame because I could do with that money for the wedding... I'll have all this money sitting in my account and the thing I need to spend it on will already have passed. Damn finances.

Well, I'm gonna go get my haircut into a brand new, sexy style yo. So I'll see ya in the spring time.

Quote of the day

'Woke up this morning,
and it seemed to me,
like every night turns out to be,
a little bit more like Bukowski,
and ya, I know it's a pretty good read,
but God who'd wanna be,
God who'd wanna be,
such an asshole." - Modest Mouse

Weeeeee-ooooorrrrd!

Sun, 02 Apr 2006 04:53:42 GMT

Life's been good to me today. It's amazing how just one day of minor, tiny, unimportant things going right can totally change your perspective on the world in general.

Still, despite how good I feel, I totally can't help just wanting to spend the good times with her. I want to share my happiness with her, in the same way when I'm upset I want to talk to her to make me feel good. Both of which inevitably make me feel worse when she doesn't even talk to me after me leaving her messages. Especially true of text messages I leave her in my break when I'm in a happy mood.

I can get friendship and camaraderie from like, a million other people when I need it anyway. So I guess it doesn't really matter. Still, I can't stop feeling things. So I think it's best to just ignore and repress these feelings because they only ever end up hurting people.

I got given a five pound tip today! Yay! Go me!

A tribute

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 17:07:31 GMT

One of my close friends gave me a damn good theory about life a while back, and it just kinda stuck with me as something to bear in mind through all the bad shit.

I don't have a girlfriend and probably will never know anyone who finds me attractive.
I work loads of hours and still end up with barely any money.
I'm stressed out over uni work which I just can't keep up with.
I'm horribly depressed for reasons I can't quite comprehend.

But I have loads of good friends, so fuck you world.

I have Gav to stay up all night internetting with.

I have Rebby to be there for anything I'm going through no matter how small.

I have Suzie to discuss important matters about life the universe, people, democracy - y'know, stuff like that.

I have Kath to distribute metaphorical slaps to the head when I do something stupid.

I have Rob for random Pigache based randomness and for fighting the communists.

I have Josh for anecdotal fun times.

I have Laura to bitch about relationship problems with, no matter what.

I have Jade Paris to love me unconditionally, no matter how much of a jerk I am.

I have Jade Ng to stay up with til 2am joking around about nothing in particular.

I have BST to trade inoffensive, sarcastic insults with.

I have Dr. T to remind me that life is hilarious.

I have Jimmy to show me that you can succeed, no matter what.

I have - well, all the rest too. They're the most important ones of all *sniff*

And of course a family that'll love me even if my cards for my sisters birthday and mother's day will be a bit late (damn second class post).

I find it amusing that last night I was tossing and turning trying to realise the point of it all and wondering if there is even a reason to get up at all. Why even go on when you can ignore the bad stuff by sleeping through it? What's the point of even living? What is there to go on for?

I'm still here. I'm awake now. That counts for something right?

I don't plan on dropping out of life any time soon.

Bring it on!

Quote of the day (or so)

"Pulling a girl is five points,
then throw up on her...
THAT'S ANOTHER TEN!" - Rock 'n' Roll Points - Filthy Pedro

40p for after shave? Get outta here...

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 00:31:06 GMT

I'm feeling ridiculously anxious and I can't quite put my finger on why. I have this feeling that something bad is going to happen at every opportunity. There isn't a shadow without some unspeakable horror lurking inside it. This probably isn't healthy. I kinda get the impression that when this horrible, unspeakable bastard does drop then I'll breathe a huge sigh of relief.

Nothing seems to make sense until we asigne name to it. Those kids in track suits were a problem for years, people only started to take notice until we called them chavs. And two other things. I call my weird little anxiety thing Thomas. Because Thomas is a cunty sounding name. I would like to put Thomas's head down a used toilet and flush. He's like an annoying little child who won't leave you alone until you crack him round the head with a kettle - and I'm all out of kettles.

Have I just woken up and realised that the real world is a scary place, the only way to escape is to hide under the covers all day? Or is it something inside me? Am I just a paranoid bastard?

Seriously it's beginning to creep me out, every time I go to work I get scared of dealing with so many people at once, I keep worrying that I'm going to fail uni, I get paranoid that I won't have a place to live next year, my money's going to run out, those kids on the corner are going to shout some abuse at me, when I transfer to a Liverpool Wetherspoons I'm going to see someone who bullied me most days, I freak out before switching the lights off as though someones watching me then I can't sleep through sheer paranoia.

Maybe I am just paranoid... but it's picked a funny time to surface itself.

I managed to remove a rather prickly thorn in my side recently. At least I hope I have.

Laptop is still broken, novel, all my music and random bits of writing all trapped inside. That worries me. Hopefully it'll all be sorted out tomorrow when I take it in to be fixed.

I'm typing this from Liverpool! I went back for a week because I missed soft toilet paper. Also my family. It's been good to be home. I had tea in the microwave when I got back home and it was AMAZING. There was Remy, still deaf, arthritic and cantankerous, but soldiering on. She's such a little trooper...

Went to Oceana last night. Considering that I haven't had a night out in AAAAAAGES, I figured I deserved one. And my bonus came in from work so I figured what the hell. Had a quality night. Stole an armchair. Don't quite know who from or why, but the important thing is I got it. I also fell over a lot - called Jade, don't remember what was said, think it was all good but I'm worried about that too.

Worry, worry, worry - it's all I ever do. I need a break... not a break as in a serious injury to one of my precious bones. More like a break, as in a holiday. A holiday from not worrying. There has to be places you can go for this kind of thing.

Matt has finally joined the real world. It's not like that TV show of the same name that I've never seen at all.

My tummy hurts.

I'm the suck.

Not gay.

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 18:04:06 GMT

So yeah, last night I went to see Filthy Pedro and Thee Intolerable Kid rockin' out in Old Street. Thee Kid fell on the floor while rocking out and never missed a note. Pedro played a song in a Mexican Wrestling mask. Plus I'm still sick, so I think I get a million Rock and Roll points for dragging myself out for such an amazing display of musical fury.

I'm getting better now, so that's good. I can barely comprehend having a night off from both work and uni AT THE SAME TIME. Especially since I have had my laptop temporarily repaired. Life is good.

Now if only I had some food we'd be in business.

It is completed!

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 01:42:46 GMT

It's alive! IT'S ALIVE! They laughed at me and said I was mad! Well who's laughing now!

Actually it's still them.

Anywho, I finished Jade's CD today. It took me the past three hours to finish all the edits on it and to make sure all the tracks flowed together. It wasn't really hard work, more just me listening to every track a few times. It must be a pretty decent mix since I can stand to listen to it again and again without being bored. Still I'm probably wrong. My taste in music is very weird.

The tracklist is as follows;

1) The Billy Childish (Poem) - Billy Childish
2) What About Us? - The Fall
3) Misty Water - Wild Billy Childish and The Buff Medways
4) Free Beer - ?????
5) I Killed A Man - Tom Hatred
6) Destroy The Orcs - Three Inches Of Blood
7) Tomorrow's Nobodies Theme Song - Tomorrow's Nobody
8) Ain't Got No Home - Clarence 'Frogman' Henry
9) Dead To The World - Nightwish
10) God Bless Old Mitchell - Billy Childish and Sexton Ming
11) I Hate The Kids - Hot Snakes
12) Slouch - Underground Railroad
13) Here On My Own - Unpoc
14) Don't You Forget About Me - Simple Minds
15) Wormwood - Tristania
16) Dangling Man - Sam Beer
17) Rest In Peace - Mower
18) The Heartaches - The Video Nasties
19) Drunken Angel - The Surgens

Damn good timing as I'm meeting her tomorrow for hanging out fun times. She went back on her initial statement of "I don't want to drink," to "We could alwyas just go to a pub or something." I feel kinda guilty for not calling her yesterday - she sounded a bit on edge what with revision and everything and I felt like I was kinda dropping undue stress on her. I mean, she had no idea I was going back to Kingston on Friday so she must feel pretty rushed off her feet right now. So hope I didn't piss her off.

I keep forgetting that she's the most difficult person to piss off in the world and if she was offended she'd just say it.

I'm also gonna wrap it up with tin foil to capture that punk rock, mix CD sharing, DIY attitude of the whole thing. Also and especially because we're out of wrapping paper.

I also hope she doesn't feel like she has to get me anything in return, because I know that she hasn't bought presents for any of her friends. I know this because Tyler knows this... I mean, because she told me. She may be really hard to offend but her friends mean a lot to her. I'm not doing this to get something in return. I'm doing it because - I really wanted to make a mix CD for her in general. It just so happened that Christmas came up while I was doing it.

I guess I put a lot of thought and work into it - I just hope she's happy with the end result.

Peas!

Custard Crizzle's yo!

Wed, 14 Dec 2005 21:42:22 GMT

Oh man, am I a very tired Matty today. I had my first day at work today. My brain is suffering from overload with all the new stuff I was taught.

I can actually pull a pint pretty well too, which suprised me. Well, I can pour Bitter, Stout and Ale really well - but Lager just goes all headless on me. But let's be honest, if you're going to a pub and ordering lager you REALLY don't want flavour and authenticity do ya?

The till's scared me though - twenty minutes I stood there while some poor guy was waiting for me to give him his change but I couldn't buggery fuck open the till drawer to give it to him. Then a huge queue started forming - I looked around and my manager, all the other bar staff and that mysterious talking goat who watches me sometimes... all of them - VANISHED!

That was my first customer too...

I learned a lot of stuff too - it just took a lot of energy for my brain to process it all so I was slightly frazzled the whole time. As you know, I get shakey when nervous - and I was shaking more than Steven's himself as I was ferrying pints and cups of tea from one end of the bar to the next.

Towards the end of my shift I sudden burst of energy and started serving loads of customers all at once. Turned away a kid without an ID, and was capable of holding conversations with the customers too. I cracked jokes with them as much as I could - and to an extent it seems to have worked in making them feel welcomed.

But then two women came in, one of them ordered two pints of some beer I couldn't make out. She pointed to a pump so I thought "Oh... THIS one," she watched me pour it out then went, "non, non, non, ze uzzer one! Zat one! Zwmmym (is what it came out as). So that was a waste of beer (wasting beer should be a CAPITAL crime, CAPITAL!), eventually she pointed it out and all was well. Then her friend stayed to pay - and she spoke with flawless English (or as flawless as you can get in a cockney accent). So that was fun.

Then I went right from that, to swimming. By Jove, that was a mission. Now I'm very dead in brain, body and in the legal sense.

Also - fucking hell, can't people just leave other peoples beliefs alone? I believe this, you believe that - who gives a shit? As long as nobody gets hurt (either physically or emotionally) then you can believe in something far out and whacky like that invisible goats can talk to you, or that Hitler's ghost is trying to make you eat more greens or even something as far out there as religion.

If I found out one of my friends was gay, (it's actually happened before), or a pagan, or an SBer it doesn't change my feelings towards them in any way. Some people I even respect more for just coming out there and saying "Look, I've got these feelings for other men/women/chickens/goats and I think I might be gay/a lesbian/weird/michael winner." It takes guts.

Everyone's a critic and it's oh so easy to knock people down when they do something. It takes real mettle to try to support someone who views the world differently from you. It's a little thing called equality y'know - it's what millions of women, black people, jews, the underbitten, gays, the overbitten, me's, Michael Winner's and Josh's all fought and died for over all that history.

I don't quite know how the underbitten and Michael Winner managed to slip into my rant here.

Oh yeah, shit, it's cuz I've been up since 9 and only managed to sit down about half an hour ago and my brain is broken and I don't really know what I'm saying.

Quote of the day (or so)

"Racism's bad,
Sexism's bad,
War's bad,
Well done - let's have a biscuit." - Chris T_T

Damn you Lauren! My crush is too important!

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 20:28:56 GMT

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Consarnit!

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 21:54:43 GMT

I did this, because I was very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very... *deep breath* very, very, very, very, very, very, very - BORED! Someone entertain me dangitt!

Click here.
Take the quiz.
Post your results.
1) Does melodious_me go to your school? Nope
2) What would you do if stitches died? Eat all the stockpiled Tesco food in the freezer... also cry.
3) What mental disorder does dj_polyethelene remind you of? Three words... "I'M COMING DOWWWWN!!!" In other words hallucinations...
4) Does stitches smoke? She used to back in the day... she also had a thing for Pro Plus tablets if I can recall.
5) Do you have a crush on jd_starcat? Yes
6) Are the_gav and interfaceleader going steady? Yes they are. All the time. And rampantly too. In other words no... but who knows what the future might hold?
7) Is kathie_d related to you? Not by blood. But y'know we're close enough.
8) What flavor of jello would stitches be? Whatever one is pink, I think Strawberry?
9) If melodious_me were hanging off a cliff, what would kathie_d do? More than likely try to save her... no promises though.
10) What would kathie_d do differently in your shoes? Probably whine less about my lovelife, also probably drink less and lead a healthier lifestyle. Weird...
11) Is stitches dead sexy? No comment, no comment at all!
12) Is kathie_d a nerd? Oh God no!
13) Does interfaceleader drink? Yep, and she's good at it too.
14) What languages does interfaceleader speak? English, a little French and a little Japenese. I think...
15) Is melodious_me 1337? No she's 16 I think.
16) What do you agree with lonewolverine about? I don't think we agree on any issue at all, which I think is why we get along so well...
17) Does the_gav have a crush on dead_bois_poem? Probably not. But he isn't telling...
18) What is jd_starcat allergic to? I can honestly say I have no idea, I don't think very much.
19) Where would dead_bois_poem most like to visit? She wants to buy a castle with me in England somewhere. So probably England, and Japan.
20) Is interfaceleader related to lonewolverine? They're the same person!
21) How tall is kathie_d? 5'5 or so?
22) Would the_gav and interfaceleader make a good couple? Sure why not.
23) Thoughts on melodious_me? Huge Rammstein and anime fan. Likes to smile and is not shy about telling you about it!
24) If stitches and melodious_me were siamese twins, where would they be joined? Probably by the hip.. heh heh heh
25) How would kathie_d conquer the world? With political manuevering, wheeling and dealing. When all else fails - cold blooded violence!
26) Do you think jd_starcat is hot? I already told you, yes!
27) Do you have kathie_d's screenname? I think it's Katharos - if by screename you mean actual name what is on a screen.
28) If interfaceleader and the_gav were spliced together, what would be its name? Guzie
29) Have you ever dated dj_polyethelene? Not that she knows about.
30) Does dead_bois_poem know the_gav? Nope, I think they're vaguely aware of eachothers names though.

Peas!

Sun, 20 Nov 2005 22:01:01 GMT

I feel like all the creativity has been sucked out of me by some kinda of electrified... sucking machine. I can barely even muster up the creativity to comment in a friends Livejournal. That's what several days of good food and family does to ya... starvation makes a real artist! Or something...

Jade called to give an affirmative ok on her visit, she said she hates buses, but she's willing to travel with me. So all's well. She told me that she has a new boyfriend now - he's French, a geek (she loooves geeks) and is apparently really cute. But he's too short, so she knows nothing serious will happen with him. It's a shame because he seems to be capable of treating her right, so I'm pushing her to go for it as he isn't a total psycho, like pretty much every other guy she's dated/met. Hopefully she'll overlook his height (he ha pun!) and have fun with this guy - he does sound cool.

She also told me not to ever date a fat girl because I can apparently 'do better.' She's an odd person - hence why I love her.

Going into London tomorrow with Gemma to hang out at the E 'o' L in Notting Hill before travelling to Roehampton for food then back to London to go to a gig (by gig I mean pub most likely) with Gav and hopefully Camille et al. You never know where my evening might head from there. Probably to coffee and 5AM chainsaw gimp with Gav, but even so! Good times ahead.

I'm feeling a lot more positive about things - funny how the attention of a cute girl, a weekend of eating (almost constantly = so fat now...), and some begged money can bring one out of ones depression.

Now I'm off to... stuff...